First off I copied this over from LiveJournal almost solely so I can talk to my dad. This journal is the only thing we use to keep in touch.

Alright, So I havn't been on here in forever, But.... as it seems I need to get some stuff off my cesht and I seem to have a inability to talk to people about it, I'll type it where they can read it. Pretty pittiful huh? -_-

Anyway, here's the deal....I absolutely love my new friends. I've never been this happy before. I've always been the social outcast. Now, granted on top of this I've fucked up big time and am having to fight my way through alot of stuff right now. They have all been wonderful about staying with me and putting up with my violent mood swings. Which makes me more of a bitch with how I feel.....

I really am horrible about telling the 100% truth. I'm so afraid of hurting people I skirt around the issuses and just end up a bigger mess myself. u_u Even now....I'm still skirting around the problems......*sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't....I don't want to lose my friends but.....It's just so hard...I feel trapped. God...how do I say this without sounding like a bitch? Okay, I love all my friends, Rin, Laura, Josh, Lauren, Garrett....all of you. But....I feel the same way about all of you. To be honest...this is an aspect of my personality that I hate. When I get lonely....Like if I've been single for a long time I flirt with everyone around me. I even go so far as to convince myself. I'm not saying what I do and feel is a lie, it's real....it just....tends to wear off after awhile. Hence why the longest I've ever had a BF is four months. I know it makes me look like a horrible, heartless bitch. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore. I just feel so bad this time because when this has happened in the past, I start getting cold twards them and then they get fed up with me and leave. But...This time I did find a wonderful person. He's stuck with me through everything. Even my attempts at letting him off the hook, get him to turn cold. Become just a friend. But He stays. I know, most girls would kill for what I have, so why am I not happy? Simple. -_- I think too much.

I have a very logical brain and while I try to figure our what I'm doing or where I'm going in life I realized somewhere along the way that Garrett didn't fit in anywhere. u_u He fits great as a friend who'll always be there but...Look at it locigally: He's immature and doesn't seem to really realize he's no longer in high school, He's epiliptic, so he can't get a job. He doesn't take care of himself so he's dependant on others....All of these traits make for us being great friends but thats it. Those are not the basis of a good reationship. Yeah hows this sound "We're on the same anti-psychotic." -_- And my mom makes it worse. She makes me feel like shit for how I feel even though she doesn't know and at the same time she'll agree with my dad about us not being a match. X_x Hence why I feel so trapped. I never want to hurt him that why this has all stayed inside. I feel horribale about all this and I don't want to destroy what I have, but I can't keep going like this. I'm working myself into a hole that there's no way out of. u_u I promised him I'd never leave him and I won't...I just....I don't know what to do!!!! I care too much about him and everyone to ever do anything!!! But I'm driving myself isane trying to please everyone and ignoring myself again. This is what drove me to counciling in the first place.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I honestly feel lost, confused and don't know what to do.